took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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