I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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