just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
