Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
