I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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