I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize