I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
