mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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