I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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