Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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