the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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