she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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