Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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