Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
