I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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