What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
