people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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