The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
