everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
