I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
