Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
