so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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