It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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