This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
