i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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