Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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