i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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