Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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