Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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