My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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