Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
