Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Quick, to the slutcave!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
