So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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