need another drink. this is the easiest way
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
