Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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