i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
