i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
