I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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