Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
That's when you crack a 10am beer
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
