Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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