Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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