I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
