i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
