She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
