Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
