i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
