So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Houston, we have a blender
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
