I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I think I just sharted jello shots
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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