Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
