Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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