RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
