I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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