when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
