he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
