every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Are my feet made of real feet?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize