you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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