Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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