some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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