everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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