woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he quoted the bible to break up with me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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