Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
