You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize