just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
