After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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