Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize