My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
